Mike Mehta’s Toast to the School, OFA Annual Dinner
Farnham College, 15 March 2008

Good evening, Mr President. Good evening gentleman.
This is my maiden speech before this august gathering. At a time like this, I wish I had drank rather less and prepared rather more. Where are my notes?
Does anyone know what these are? Yes, Alastair Darling’s false eyebrows.

Following Alastair darling’s lead, I have written my own budget speech, or “The Rules”, what I writ three hours ago while in the pub.
I have put together a package of reforming measures; sound practical steps, to place the college on a firm footing for its future recovery and survival. This will mark a radical return to the school ethos and policies of 1971, well before the invention of New Labour, girls, i-Pods and health and safety bah humbuggery (I hope I am permitted to use that expression, Mr President).
In the catering department, I propose the abolition of healthy eating. Instead there will be a return to old-fashioned nutrition. On Mondays, all boys will eat up their boiled-to-death cabbage, on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, there will be a selection of high carbohydrate stodgy puddings, including chocolate sponge with chocolate custard, artificially coloured jam tart and last but by no means least, spotted dick with gallons of custard, with or without the skin. Fish will be served on Fridays. Second helpings will always be available, except for lardy boy Andrew Chuter, aka Billy Bunter.
In the maths department, there will be no increase in duty on compasses, protractors, rulers or graph paper. All workings are to be shown and scientific calculators will not be permitted and slide rules will be re-introduced.
In the English department, traditional books will be read. Books by Harper Lee, Steinbeck and John Wyndham will be the books set for the year. Masters will be permitted to hurl books at boys who talk during quiet reading.
The Biology Department will be allowed to keep locusts and African Clawed Toads, subject to humane treatment. The supply of rats for dissection will be reinstated. Ancient Open University film explaining the mysteries of human reproduction will continue to be shown in grainy black and white, and so the mystery will remain.
In the Physics Department, volunteers will be required to submit to the Van de Graaf electric shock generator. Boys may continue to play with oscilloscopes and run ticker tape machines up and down the floors.
All dangerous chemistry experiments involving magnesium ribbon and something which should never be exposed to the air, will be zero -rated for VAT, to encourage participation. Any boy sustaining burns or eye injuries, should be referred to the skool nurse Miranda Sticky who will ask that boy to pop up on the couch for an investigation of the contents of his Y-fronts.

Furthermore, I propose to raise the staff early retirement age, from 60 to 140. The following staff will be expected to resume their usual duties forthwith:
Mr Stan The Man Owen - Physics 
The Reverend ‘Slasher’ Innes - RE P. J. Larby - will be weighing up the situation in maths
Robbie Burns - Geography and will be asked to reprise his part as the King of Bohemia in The Winter’s Tale
Don Nicholson - German and continental tours in his camper van
Chris Chapple - Biology and madrigals Tuesday lunchtimes 
Roger Costin - chemistry and scouts 
Messrs Page and Norton - history (they come as a package)
Chris Hand and ‘Thumper’ Thompson - music
Miss Priestley (a child of the 60’s), will cover English and there will be opportunities for one-on-one private tuition after hours.
Mr John ‘Giggles’ McLaughlin will be induced (a few pints of ‘Old Wobbler’ should do the trick) to return to the school and promoted to Headmaster.
Moreover, I have decided to do away with the endless health and safety form filling and medical questionnaires. All boys going on geography field trips will be actively encouraged to go to Chesil Beach and throw pebbles at each other and to climb the potential lethal landslip that is Durdle Dor.
In my proposals, all vending machines will be removed from the skool grounds. The tuckshop will be reinstated to its former place in the bowels of the skool and a caretaker will be recruited who will be sensitive to the demands of the job. He must be able to withstand carbon monoxide poisoning from the boiler, and provide a fine selection of confectionery including curly wurly, refreshers, golden cup and mintola. Erotic literature will need to be pre-booked and staff have first dibs. He will be expected to shout “tuck, tuck, anyone in need of a tuck” and then laugh maniacally.
On the subject of skool uniform, I will introduce a clothing allowance, so that all senior staff are able to purchase a gown and mortarboard. Junior staff will wear jackets with elbow patches and ill-fitting trousers.
Regarding special dispensation for the boys from the upper sixth, I have reviewed the arrangements and am prepared to release boys over the lunch period only, so that they have an opportunity to fraternise with the top totty from St Trivials Finishing School for Girls in Menin Way and put into practice some of their biology lessons.
However, in the matter of the headmaster’s expenses claims further to the expensive headmaster’s study refurbishment project, I note that some items are for the services of ‘Busty Angela (Miss)’ and ‘Big Girl Helga‘ (the tart with a heart!) and I am not presently satisfied with the legitimacy of these claims and will be making further enquiries in due course.
Finally, and I am of the firm opinion that the skool will benefit from the re- introduction of the skool assembly and the singing of the skool song.
And on that note, I commend my proposals to the house.
In conclusion, I would ask that you raise your glasses in a toast to THE SKOOL!